-Secretions From the Mind of a Dreamer-

Hahahaha! Life has been great these last few weeks.

So... to earn an ACLS card, my paramedic class had to first make sure that everyone had a BLS card that wasn't about to expire. Also, Mark needed someone to help teach Josie's class because she couldn't make it to class that night due to family related issues. We were enlisted to help. Standing over a a lifeless mannequin doing chest compressions, Mark tells us to "do it like we mean it" and made some joke about how the mannequin's family was depending on us. I couldn't help but think to myself that I wouldn't want the mannequin to actually come to life - it'd be kinda freaky. But the more I thought about it, I was like, "fuck yeah, I want this bitch to start breathing!"  I mean, I'd be a fucking EMS God if I brought a mannequin to life! 

I passed my NREMT. I made a 95 on my first paramedic test, and an 87 on my first A&P test.

I hate A&P.

Josie said I should apply at Lifenet and use her as a reference. Being as they cover Texarkana, Arkansas and Texas, I'll have to get my license in Texas too, which shouldn't be too hard. But it'll be hard to get a job in Arkansas before I turn 21 because of the insurance costs.

I've lost another 10 lbs.

Oh, and, I'm not sure I hate Amber. That sure didn't take long.

So, I was sitting around kind of bummed out because I had no way to pay for my books for my classes, which meant I wasn't going to be able to start the paramedic program; and I didn't even have the money to buy a practice book for my NREMT test. At the very last minute, and I do mean VERY last, things just kind of fell into place.

I'm not sure if this next bit is an up or not - I don't honestly have feelings one way or the other about it, but Amber called me crying and said that she and Loni had broken up. Amber moved back to California. Now, as for why I even answered the phone - I was asleep and it rang - I didn't look at the number before I answered. I realized it was her about 5 seconds into the conversation and by then had already had the time to realize she was crying. What was I supposed to do? Hang up? I couldn't. So I talked to her until she calmed down. Her parents drove up to get her and they all went back home to California the next day. I don't have feelings in either direction about this one, but it was a little bit of an expected turn of events.

Amanda and I don't talk anymore. I told her I wasn't interested.

Paramedic school is pretty awesome. It alone keeps me pretty busy, but on top of it I'm also taking some other classes. I personally think I perform better under pressure, so I think that this semester will do me good. I love always being busy and having something to do. I can't wait until we start clinicals.

On a completely different note, I keep having really weird dreams. None of them are ever the same, but one struck me as strange enough to remember. I was dating a guy. I met him, I liked him a lot, and we started dating. I don't remember much as far as details go, but I do remember specifically that not once did I have sex with, kiss, or even touch this guy in an affectionate way and yet, we ended up getting engaged. I woke up and was extremely happy. Hmm. Who knows?

As for that paramedic... it's kind of strange to see her now. I'll write more about that as it develops though. Or undevelops, as the case should be. It just really wouldn't be a smart move to get involved with her. We've already decided that we shouldn't, but things just keep happening. Guess I'll have to see what the future holds.

All in all, karma has been treating me very well. I decided a while ago though that no matter what happened, I'd be happy and keep a smile on my face. It really does make life easier.

Living in rural Arkansas, it's easy to feel isolated from the rest of the Queer Community. We have our own small little community, our network of progressives working toward a common goal: to raise awareness and acceptance (or at least tolerance in some cases) of Queer presence in Arkansas, and to eventually be treated equally in the eyes of the law. Right now we're still working on the raising awareness bit. Most of the Queers here in Arkansas are closeted for fear of their lives. I myself am out and openly gay.

I decided before I ever moved to Fayetteville, that after I came out, I would be out forever, no matter where I was, or who I was around. Fayetteville was like a liberal safehaven surrounded by conservative-ruled southern territory. Though it was still behind times, it was safe. Not only was I out, but as president of the PRIDE organization, I was leading a small faction of the Queer Community to push for our rights as American citizens. That was northwest Arkansas. I'm back in southwest Arkansas now - and for just 350 miles, it's almost like I'm in a different world entirely. When I decided to make the move back home, I knew that I would be moving back to an area that's at least 15 years behind the rest of the country as far acceptance of anything that defies the dominance of the white male is concerned. I was not out the last time I lived here.

Interracial relationships (especially those with between a black man and a white woman) are frowned on even in the northern, more progressive part of the state, but here, it's a crime punishable by having a cross burned in your yard and being treated as though you have a larger than life, scarlet, letter A on your chest. Being openly Queer isn't heard of. My sociology teacher said that as a black man in the 1960s who was pushing for progress, he felt (and still feels sometimes) that he was always on stage and had to make sure that he appealed to his conservative white audience. I feel much the same way. Only, he couldn't turn off the color of his skin. People don't automatically assume I'm Queer, and I have to say, with disappointment in myself, that a few times throughout this last 6 months that I've lived down here, I haven't corrected the assumption that I'm straight.

I get downhearted some times when I look around and see that these people harbor hatred for people who were born with a different skin color from their own - how can I expect to make progress with them when they still think that homosexuality is a choice? I'm not sure what the answer to that one is, but I'm sure that it isn't by being closeted. I guess the reason that I didn't correct the assumption that I was straight was because it felt good to be off stage. If they assume I'm straight, then they aren't looking at me to see what a Queer is. But as a progressive, I know that people will only accept things they can understand and will only understand the things that they can see; and that, like it or not, I'm in a position where I can change their perception of Queers and feel a duty to do so.

I'd like to start out my year on Live Journal by saying that I'm pretty sure I hate Amber. Which is exactly the opposite of where my feelings for her were at this time last year. You see, she'd been texting me a lot the last few months. We started talking again like we were normal people who were friends. Then started her "I love you so much" stuff again. Me? I knew not to believe her. I was currently having a thing with a paramedic (who happened to look ((and act)) insanely like Amber - I'll post a picture of her later). The paramedic and I knew things couldn't go anywhere because she was a bit older, a bit more married, and had a kid. So when this other girl, Amanda, who I had a sociology class with told me she liked me, I decided to see where things might lead with her although I wasn't that attracted to her. I let Amber tell me all of the "I love you" stuff and didn't believe her. So I saved all of the text messages on my phone. One time, she started with the "you're the love of my life" bit and I asked her about her myspace, which says that Loni is the love of her life. She responded with

"My myspace is to make her happy. Thats why it says that. You were always the love of my life and through everything i always thought i would end up with you. I love you ashley. You know that and i will still always be there for you even when you don't want me to be. I still love you with all that i have. I still have always thought that i would end up with you. I don't know. I just want you to be happy with whatever you do."

That was in a series of four texts. There are more, but these convey the point I'm trying to make. (There were also other messages that I did not save.) She did the same thing when she was with Dani. She did the same thing when she was with Catherine(sp?). She did the same thing when she was with Dylan.  The list goes on. She does the same thing no matter who she is with. So I knew not to believe her and I didn't. Not this time. But I saved the messages because I knew she would end up either A) telling her girl that I was the one texting her the "I love yous",   B) act like she never told me any of it and I'm insane,   or  C) proving everything she said to be a lie.  History never fails and people never change. She did it again. Only this time, I was prepared. She told me that she was thinking about going home. We argued about whether she should or not. I, of course, think she should go back home to her parents where she can get back in school and not have to worry about working seven days a week to pay someone else's rent. She was worried because although she knows her girl is cheating on her, she doesn't want to just end things and move home. She says she fights with Loni all the time and that she is miserable. Then without warning, she started being really cold and bitchy. She whips out this "I love Loni and I just don't want to end it" stuff. And then she tells me that Loni is reading the texts.

Which made me smile. 

Amber continued on, telling me "I don't want to give up on this relationship. I love her".  

Which made me smile again.

I responded "Why are you making yourself miserable to be with a girl who isn't faithful to you and who you just got through saying you couldn't see yourself ending up with? And you aren't completely faithful yourself."

"I love her. I don't lie to her and I've never cheated on her."

I smiled again. Then sent back every text that I had saved in my phone, followed by "Then stay out of my life. I'm tired of you. I'm tired of your lies."  Of all the things I could have said, of all the things I wanted to say, of all the anger I've had pent up over the last few years, that is all I could manage to say to her. I really feel nothing for her. I want to. I want to be hurt. Not because I want to be hurt, but because I want to be able to feel something for the person I once thought was the love of my life. I'm really just amused.

You know, she's right. She probably doesn't lie to Loni. Just to me. Just to someone she thinks will listen. But cheating is as much mental/emotional as it is physical. What she did was cheating. In a way, I'm glad I feel nothing for her. I can't really say I'd want to feel something for a person who could play two people like that. (Or think she was playing, cause I wasn't part of the game - not this time). 

I have more to say, but I gotta take the girls home!

The thought of knowing I can't fail at something is almost as scary as knowing I can't succeed. Failure drives me.

I'll be updating DU Friday.

I got new glasses today. My mom doesn't like them. She says I look dorky...

So anyhow, I'm sittin at the hospital with my grandma keeping her company. It's been an okay day.

Amber texted earlier to say her apartment burned down. I kind of feel bad, but at the same time, I feel no more for her than I would for any random stranger. Hope things work out for her. I wish I could feel more, but I don't. And maybe I would if she weren't such a sleeze.

I made it through the first two weeks of classes. I only go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that I can get a job the other 5 days of the week. Art Appreciation is boring. Sociology is cool, but my teacher is a ... I don't know how to explain. He makes a lot of anti-gay comments and it makes me really really angry. EMT-B is a lot of fun. I start my ambulance rounds next week. Yay! I'm pretty excited about it. Other than that, nothing has been going on.

Oh yeah, it's after midnight, so that means it's my birthday. I didn't even think about that until just now.

We got pretty drunk Friday night. (Me, Michelle, Courtney, Jennifer, Robert, Kim, Jeff) It was a lot of fun. Michelle is a freak. LMAO.

Off to bed...

She's the only person in the world who can make me feel like a complete loser, and she does so on a regular basis. I'm the only person in the world she treats this way. She's hateful, she's rude, she's highly critical, she never gives me a break, she's an all around jerk, and worst of all – she's me.

So I was wondering what ever had happened to Baby Grace, the unidentified toddler who was washed up on a beach in a plastic bin in Galveston, TX. I lost track of it after my last post about her. I looked it up and sure enough, the guy who thought that the body was his daughter was right, unfortunately. Apparently, the girl's mom and her boyfriend beat the shit out of the kid until she died and then went to Walmart.  

"In the affidavit, Trenor describes how she and Zeigler beat the toddler with two leather belts and held her head under water in a bathtub on the morning of July 24. Trenor also said in the affivadit that Zeigler picked the child up by her hair and threw her across the room causing her head to slam against a tile floor."  That's sickening. There was another article describing the beating in more detail, but I forgot what page it was on. How sad that people would do that. I mean... the kids dad wanted custody, her family in Ohio wanted her back, and not to mention that there are a million people out there that want to adopt kids... these people wanted to hurt the kid. I don't understand that.

Madeline McCann still hasn't been found.

Why do cases like these gain international media coverage? Anyhow, on to one of my favorite topics: The absurdities of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

Two weeks ago - Saturday, August 2nd - there was a fire at the property of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas (Phelps' house). Fred Phelps, being a disbarred lawyer, was quick to write to the proper authorities to demand that the case be investigated as a hate crime. To be honest, it probably was arson and  probably a hate crime. A lot of people believe that the WBC started the fire themselves. I think that we should ALL look at it in the same way that Phelps himself would look at it - if it had happened at the property of a FAG church    :o)      And I think we all know by now that he would say it was a message from God that the church and the people who attended services there were evil. God was punishing Fred Phelps. LMAO. I really shouldn't laugh, but it's just too absurd that he doesn't turn his own way of thinking around on himself. Also, something that makes it even funnier is that the followers of the church PICKETED THE FIREFIGHTERS AS THEY WORKED TO CONTROL THE FIRE. Oh, now that's rich. 

So uh, Phelps put out a video, "Thank God for the WBC Fire"  - just a short video of himself delivering another absurd message full of hate and bitterness. http://www.signmovies.net/videos/news/2008/20080802thankgodforwbcfire.html   <<  there's a link. As always, he has been in and out of Arkansas over the summer. I've never met Phelps himself, but several times, I've been at places where members of the WBC have picketed. These people are off their rockers. 

Oh yeah, I did update DU. A very long chapter, longer than my usual, but not ending with a cliff hanger this time. Don't worry though, the next one will - those are my favorites. I haven't started on the next chapter yet, but I'm on a roll writing, so I don't think it will take long. I want to have this fic finished pretty soon. 

I got my things moved from Fayetteville to down here. I also did Anna a favor and moved her stuff for her. She contacted me and said she wouldn't be able to get down here to get it bc there was so much going on with Kaylee. Apparently her seizures have become a common thing and the doctors can't figure out why. So she paid for half the gas money and the storage place and I moved her shit out of the house and into the storage building. 

The trip to Faytown was long and tiring, but despite being tired I've been in a good mood.

And I have to say, I've been REALLY happy the last few days. I was starting to think that I'd be bored down here. But I found this great thing, and before I go into detail, let me put out here that Amber and I are not together physically and that she currently has a girl, so we don't label ourselves as together either. Our togetherness is something of another kind. She is free to be with who she wants to be with and I am free to be with who I want to be with. And until the distance closes between us, we plan on keeping it that way. So anyhow, the great thing.

I've always been a bit of a masochist. When I was a little kid and just discovering sex and sexual curiousity and becoming aware of the differences between males and females - you know, that stage where it's an innocent thing, touching certain parts of your body feels good and no one has told you it's wrong - the age when kids play doctor and what not - I had a bit of a time with it. The other little girls wanted to kiss boys; I wanted to kiss Xena the Warrior Princess. The other girls would dress up to impress the boys; I dressed like a boy. So I knew there was something different about me, but I didn't understand how different. The other little girls had their fantasies about their knight in shining armor coming to their rescue and then riding off into the sunset with them; I uhm... I... I wanted Xena to tie me up and keep me in her dungeon. Weird, I know, but that's honestly how early my masochism started.

Well, when I got older, I was head strong and the idea of giving someone else control was definitely not my thing. But since I was about 16 or so, my masochistic tendencies have bubbled to the surface and have reached a point now where they can't be ignored. The girls that I've been with so far have been very... how to say... vanilla in bed, almost. But through a friend, I met some people who are very into the BDSM lifestyle. And I've met this girl, I'll call her J, who is the perfect sadist compliment to my masochistic side. I won't go into details, but things are definitely not going to be boring.

Hmm, if I had one, it would be. Hah.

Going from 14 to 16, I thought I had grown up a lot. Going from 16 to 18, I was both amazed at how much I had changed, and ashamed of how grown up I had thought I was. But I'll be 20 in less than a month and I have to say that in all of my experiences, as much as I have changed and evolved and bettered myself to be the person I am today, nothing has opened my eyes more than the last year and a half. 

I left high school ahead of the game, determined to zip through college with no stops and head on to law school. I had planned on being finished with college in 3 years with 2 degrees and be out of law school by 23. I had most of my basics finished before I even left high school. What I didn't clep out of, I had AP credit for or an ACT score high enough to be exempt. 

My first year of college life was amazing and I loved every minute of it. I lost the weight I had gained following mine and Amber's break up. I looked good again, I felt good again, and I was on top of the world. I had fallen in with a good crowd and was set up early in my freshman year to become the president of the gay group on campus. I ran for office and won presidency by a 95% margin over a well known junior who had been involved with the organization since her freshman year. I felt great. 

Robert and I got a cozy little apartment that I loved. I met girls that I liked. I finally got the balls to break up with Jennifer and tell her that I hadn't ever loved her. I made new friends and kept old ones. Life couldn't have been better.

Then, shit just kind of happened. I lost myself and got into a world that I was unfamiliar with and didn't know how to deal with.  I don't even want to talk about the last year and the stupid shit that I did and that I believed and that I put myself through. 

Anna was beautiful. I fell pretty hard pretty fast. I moved out of the apartment with Robert and in with Anna. The drugs, the alcohol, they weren't beautiful. And every day Anna became more and more disgusting to me. Yet, I stayed with her. I stayed believing that I could help her. I stayed thinking that she just needed someone to believe in her and to tell her that she wasn't as worthless I she thought. Oh but she was. I couldn't stop the drugs and the alcohol. I couldn't help her because she wouldn't help herself. And she dragged me down that path with her. I took a semester off of school because she always begged me to stay awake with her at night bc she couldn't sleep, and if she could sleep, she'd beg me to stay home with her the next day so she wouldn't be alone.  My grades would have been horrible if I'd stayed in. I had a 3.8 GPA and was NOT going to mess it up. So I withdrew thinking that next semester I'd make up for it.

But when I withdrew, it was not only from classes, but from the world. Anna had me to herself all day every day. She didn't want to leave the house. She didn't want me to leave the house. She made me miserable. I gained every bit of the weight back. I stepped right back into a depression. Oh but don't worry, I had her there to tell me how much of a fuck up I was, and how stupid I was, and how all I ever did was hurt her, and how my friends weren't really my friends, how if my family loved me, they'd give me more money (because I had spent my $30,000 in savings on her and she wanted more). 

Second semester came and not once did I attend any of my classes. I withdrew 3 weeks into the semester. I was seeing a therapist twice a week and just... I felt like constant shit. I didn't talk to any of my friends. I didn't talk to any of my family. I talked to Anna. 

Finally, I made a trip home to visit and with the encouragement of my family, decided to move down here for the summer and then move into a dorm in the fall. Anna was pissed when I decided to move. She told me how I was letting her down as a friend and what not. I guess my family knew that she would do that and that I'd feel bad and want to stay, but they had already made and paid for the arrangements for me to get down here, so I couldn't change my mind at that point.

My mind was so muddled. But when I got down here, things got clearer. I realized that i wasn't the fuck up. I wasn't the scum of the earth. I wasn't that bad at all. I got down here and rid myself of her drugs and alcohol and abuse (both physical and mental not to mention emotional). I took a summer course at UACCH and set the curve in the class. I found myself again. I'm back to being happy. 

I don't talk to Anna anymore because after talking to her girlfriend one night (July 4th) we both realized that she's been leading a double life. She tells me one thing and then tells her girl another. I feel sorry for Ang though, I really do. Because she hasn't realized yet what I have. And I know she is going to go down that same path that I went down. Anna has been getting money from her since they've been together. Just like she did me. And just like she did me, Anna is feeding her the same lines and the same bullshit. Ang is 26 and she has been through a lot. She isn't as dumb as I was, and I hope that she will catch on before she gets to rock bottom. 

The whole trip to California this winter... Anna got pissed because I saw Amber. Anna was actually with Ang at the time. Funny thing really, considering the fit she threw. She was pissed because I saw Amber. Anna and I fucked on the way there. We fucked in the hotel there. That was the week of Christmas. She got with Ang before Halloween. Anna and I were still together off and on until Christmas. Can you say wtf, man? She invited my ex girlfriend who she knows I reguard as the love of my life, to go to a family dinner with her at her cousin's house, and then got mad because of the way we looked at one another. She said she could see in our eyes that we still loved each other. Every time I talked to the girl, Anna swore we were flirting. Yes, we were flirting. Yes, I did get distant from Anna. Because for the first time in almost a year, I saw that old glimpse of who I was and how happy I used to be. Amber reminded me of how happy life could be. 

The last time I saw Amber was on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Anna made pretty sure that I didn't see her again. The rest of my trip was even more miserable than life normally was. But I didn't care about Anna quite as much at that point. What she said didn't matter because I had Amber. Amber and I had departed on bad terms, yes, because Anna threw a fit at her uncle's house because Amber and I sat next to one another on a bed. It was a constant fight and Amber wanted me to just leave Anna, but I couldn't because we were 1,500 miles from home. But I knew that Amber loved me and that she just wanted the best for me. That comforted me. 

Anna did a few lines the night after the last day I saw Amber. She got mad because I wouldn't do anything with her. I laid on the bed. She forcibly removed my shirt and laid there on top of me, rubbing my back and telling me how much she loved me. How she loved me more than Ally. How I hurt her more than Ally. How she thought I was the most beautiful person in the world, both inside and out. And I couldn't respond. Because to me, there was a fucking troll on my back. 

She called Ang a few times from pay phones on the way home because she had lost the battery to her cell phone. I offered to let her use mine, but for some reason, she wanted to get out of the car to use a pay phone. She told me Ang was just a concered friend. That Ang needed her as a friend because she had been suicidal. That's what she always told me when she talked to her. "She needs someone to be here; she's been suicidal lately." By the gods, it all makes sense now. She wanted to use the pay phone because Ang was her girlfriend and she didn't want me to know. "I changed my status on myspace to 'in a relationship' because I got tired of getting junk mail from singles sites". She did that until March. Apparently, she and Ang had been ENGAGED, not just dating, but ENGAGED since December. 

She had been telling Ang the entire time that I was trying to get with her. She told Ang that I had been saying "your girlfriend will never know."  Uhm? She was trying to get me to be with her and I wouldn't. She would ask me to hold her at night and get mad because I wouldn't. She wanted to be friends with benefits and got mad because I wouldn't. She would try to kiss me and get mad because I'd turn my head. She'd try to hold me hand and get mad because I wouldn't hold her hand back. So not only was the me trying to get with her bit a lie, but the "your girlfriend will never know" bit?  First of all, I NEVER cross the bounds with someone who has a girl because that's VERY disrespectful and I just don't do that. Secondly, I didn't even know she had a girlfriend until March. 

And then after she told me she had a girl and what not, we decided to be friends. We were supposed to be best friends. Well, she had been talking shit about me to Ang the entire time. Telling her that I used her money and shit and I was leaving her fucked with the rent and bills. Uhm, I paid 6 months rent up front and the bills in full the first 6 months we were there. I begged her to get a job and she got pissed off at me. She waited until she realized I was serious about leaving to start looking for a job and then it took her a long time to get one. And after paying the first 6 months rent and bills, she expected me to pay half of the next 6 months rent and utilities too. 

On top of that, she had a $10,000, yes, ten THOUSAND dollar phone bill in my name from making international calls and texts. 

But I'm the bad guy in all of this. She STILL, to this day, believes that I am in the wrong. Fuck, maybe I am in the wrong. I'm in the wrong for losing myself. I'm in the wrong for even starting down that path with her. But I can honestly say that when I was with her and when I was friends with her, I was the kind of person that I'd want to be with and be around. But it was never good enough.

I'm not dwelling on that anymore though. At first, when I stopped talking to her and decided to hell with her, I was sad beyond belief. Time does heal after all. But there is one thing that time has never healed. Even after all this time, after everything that we've been through both together and apart, after everything we've put one another through, Amber and I are as together as we've ever been. 

I couldn't be happier right now. I'm confused now about what direction to take, but I'm happy. 

Since I didn't complete the minimum hours required for my scholarhips last year, I lost them. So I don't have the money to finish school right now. That's not too much of a problem though. I joined the army and after my 4  years, they will pay for it. It will also help me keep myself healthy and on track. I love the strict and rigorous(sp?) lifestyle that I'd have. I'm not so crazy about war and guns and killing people - but I do love to travel and it'll keep me entertained and give me a direction to move in. 

Granted, it's a direction I never saw myself moving in, but of course, I also didn't think I'd do any of the things I did over the last year, either.

Another thing that changed over the last year was my writing. I haven't written anything in almost a year and my insides are about to explode. I think I might go back and finish "Discovering Us". But honestly, Harry Potter kind of went down hill for me after Order of the Phoenix. I mean, Half-Blood Prince wasn't that great. And Deathly Hallows? What the hell was she thinking? The whole Jesus move. What the fuck was that, yo? But I guess it doesn't matter since my fic was set after Order. I think. Or was it GoF... no it was Order cause it starts out with them at Grimmauld Place. I dunno. I think I am just gonna finish that one up and the move on. It would get my urge to write something right now out of the way and then I could develop something different. 

But for now, I need to go to the track and run.

So... anyone up on the Madeleine McCann story? I haven't heard anything in a while.

BTW, there is a man in Ohio that thinks "Baby Grace" is his daughter Riley. 

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/31/funeral.protest/index.html?iref=topnews

Gods, what to say? Can't I be satisfied that Fred Phelps finally pushed his boundaries too far with the nation and got punished? But WHERE THE FUCK was the judicial system at during the constant bullying, eventual suicide, and harrassment of the family of Jim Wheeler in 1997? Where the fuck was it at during the beating, death, and protest of the funeral of Matthew Shepard in 1998? Where the fuck was it at during the mauling, funeral protests, and the ongoing harassment of Diane Whipple and her survivors in 2001?  Where were they during the protest at the funeral of Coretta Scott King? Where was the judicial system when Fred Phelps and the WBC protested the funerals of AIDS victims?

WHY HAVE THEY BEEN ALLOWED FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS TO PROTEST THE GLBTQ COMMUNITY AND ITS SUPPORTERS?

Why did it take the protesting of dead soldiers to finally push the boundaries of what America finds acceptable? What about all of the families mourning the losses of their loved ones who might have been gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered that had to deal with this stupid insensitive bastard protesting the funerals?

And the punishment? A measley monetary fine of 10.9 million dollars. $10.9 million for protesting a dead soldier. Not $10.9 million for protesting funerals and harrassing the families of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered people. Not $10.9 million for protesting the funeral of Coretta Scott King.

After Tammy Faye Messner's death FP and the WBC came to Arkansas. Here is a link from their site www.godhatesfags.com that details the experience from their point of view. http://www.godhatesfags.com/featured/epics/2007/20071011_pine-bluffs-sherwood-ar-epic.pdf  I have to say, I almost had to laugh reading this. What drugs did Fred Phelps take before writing this? What the fuck, man? It honestly doesn't make sense. And the ... read the article, it speaks for itself. Tweedle Dummies, yo rebel, yo loser-fish, Lt. dogbreath... does he make himself sound like a mentally disabled preteen on purpose?

I honestly don't know how to express the emotions that the actions of this man and his "church" provoke within me. If you don't know much about Fred Phelps of the WBC, then you haven't paid attention the news, or else you're just apathetic and don't care, or both. If you're a member of the LGBTQ Community, it's absolutely unacceptable to be apathetic to something like this- unacceptable to sit by and not care as your brothers and sisters in this minority community are harassed because of the bigot beliefs and anti-gay hate speech and propaganda that are elevated and preached by the Westboro Baptist Church. These attacks aren't just against certain members of our community. They're against the community as a whole, meaning that they are against each and every member of the queer community.

What if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time - what if you were, say, leaving a local gathering place for LGBTQ people, and on your way to your car, you were ambushed by people who were just sitting around waiting for a queer to come close enough to them? Nakia Ladelle Baker. Ever heard of her? She was in my post in January - the one that kept being called him. She was on her way to her car to go home. Ever stopped to think about what would happen if it was you? What would your last thoughts be as you were beaten to death for loving someone? If it was someone you loved? If your signifigant other was on their way home to you and was killed before he or she ever made it there? What would your thoughts be then? Would you want others to take up your cause and help end the hatred? It happens EVERY day. It's a reality we have to face every day being part of this community. By not standing up and acting out against this hatred toward our community, you increase the chances that it could happen to you. But until it does, will you even think twice about it happening to others?

Afterall, the death of one is a tragedy. The death of a million is just a statistic. Until it's your tragedy, it will just be a statistic to you. And when it is your tragedy, it will just be a statistic to everyone else. 

 http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/local/index.php?ntid=128164 This article is in relation to the death to Bret T. Turner in Madison, Wisconsin. It has no mention of the fact that Turner, biologically male, was dressed in women's clothing.

http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/local/index.php?ntid=251305 This article is also in relation to Tuner's death. It does mention that Turner was dressed in women's clothing. It also includes information from Turner's brother and ex-wife. According to them, Turner's "penchant for dressing in women 's clothing and seeking sexual encounters with men" was a "psychological problem" that "grew out of his mother 's emotional abuse." Ignorant much?

 

Jeeeeezus, it's been a long time since I've been on here. I didn't realize how long even, until I signed on just now and saw my last post.

Man, life has been hectic lately.

My family life hasn't been going so well. My grandparents are in horrible health and my exgirlfriend/roommate and I aren't getting along very well. To top it off, my bipolar disorder is flaring up again. Hahahahahahaha, Saturday night, I had an allergic reaction to Lunesta... I have a police record now. Not so great for my future career as a lawyer. I have to take a bunch of paperwork down to the police station tomorrow to prove that I'm not just a crazy hostile bitch and that I was actually bleeding in my brain. I don't remember much of Saturday night, but Anna says that I got up after taking my lunesta and going to sleep and that she and I got into a physical fight and that I called the cops, only, when they showed up, I didn't remember I had called them. I have brief flashes of memories from that night, but it's like watching someone else. I called the cops all sorts of bad names and at one point was even trying to fight with one of the cops. My memories are out of order, but I do remember briefly fighting with Anna (way OOC for me, I don't believe in violence and usually wouldn't hit or fight with anyone, but I especially would NEVER EVER EVER hit someone I was dating or had dated) and that my head got banged against the metal headboard on my bed. Eh... let me start from the beginning. I don't remember ANY of the words that were said before the cops showed up, but according to Anna, I came out of  my bedroom and started talking shit to her, calling her all kinds of names... she has admitted that she let her anger get the better of her and fought back with me. Neither of us remember who touched who first, but she said she followed me back to my bedroom to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and I started in again. I don't remember any words, but I have very small flashes of us fighting. I don't know who grabbed who, but I remember standing and wrestling with her and thinking that I had to get us to land on the bed so that I didn't hurt her. Some time during the struggle on the bed, I hit my head on the metal. When the cops showed up, I was irrate. I kept telling them that my head hurt and that I was nausceous. After the cops realized that we were more than roommates, they started treatins us a lot differently There was one cop that was being a hardcore prick, and him I remember. He made SEVERAL insensitive remarks about our sexuality, and there were a few that were borderline just flat out anti-gay slurs. 

He was aggitating me on purpose. He was also being a dick to Anna. She has scratches on her face and she said that while she was sitting on the couch, she was holding her face because it hurt and the dick cop came up and yelled at her telling her to get her hand off of her face because she could be making the scratches worse than they were. That was AFTER she told them that she didn’t want to press charges against me because she knew that something was out of place. I was outside during that part and was talking to other cops. The dick cop showed up and was telling me that I didn’t make any sense and that they should arrest me for calling them and a bunch of other stuff. He made it a point to belittle me in front of the other cops. He had me stand on the curb while he was talking to the other cops, he turned around and catching me off guard, told me to watch his hands (in the dark) and then jerked them outward. No, my eyes did not follow, meaning that I had failed his sobriety test. Although I had a HUGE bruise on the right side of my face, the dick cop said that I didn’t have any visible injuries and that I was wasting their time and that they should arrest me. I don’t have any memory after that. Anna said that they asked her again if she wanted to press charges because I had no visible injuries and she had scratches on her face. She told them that I had a bruise on my face and that it was a two way fight. They just shrugged it off and she declined again to press charges. Anna says I was extremely combative and that the cops asked her to leave for the night and that she did. I don’t know what happened after that. The outbox in my phone says that I texted my mom at 7 something a.m. saying that I thought I had a concussion because I was bleeding out of my left ear. Anna said that she got back to the house a little after 8 and a cop showed up a little after she did to do a follow up and make sure that I was alright because my mom had called them to see what was going on because I hadn’t made sense on the phone with her. I REMEMBER NONE OF THIS. 

So… Sunday morning, Anna is home, cop is here (not one of the cops from the night before), I started in again. I called the cop a bunch of names to which he didn’t respond, he just said that I should try to get to the hospital. He asked if he could call an ambulance, but I said no because my friend Cassi was going to come get me. Anna left for a little bit to let me calm down and the cop did too. Cassi never showed up. I remember nooooothing of Sunday. My dad showed up somewhere between 1 and 5 pm and I do remember being surprised and thinking that I had just gotten off the phone with him and that he had just told me he was going to come get me. My parents live 380 miles and 5 hours away, so apparently it had been a long time since I had gotten off the phone with him. The next thing I remember is being on a very very hard plastic bed and had a searing pain in my ear. I tried to move, but there were people holding me down and telling me that they were helping me. I was screaming because it hurt so bad. It felt like someone was ripping my brain out through my ear. They had actually only stuck a tube into my ear to help drain the blood and release pressure on my brain. They had cut a big chunk of hair off and had even shaved a spot on the back of my head because they were going to stick a tube in back there too, but decided not to. They said I had a minor head trauma. Funny, because the cops AND the police report said I had no visible injuries. What I remember of the night is that I did have very visible injuries. Anna remembers me having a big bruise on my face. I apparently took pictures right after the cops left.  My camera’s timestamps say I took the pictures at 3:43. The police report says that the cops left my house at 3:40.

I drove back to Fayetteville this morning, saw my psychiatrist about what had triggered me that night and she said that it was definitely the lunesta. She had taken me off of ambien about 2 weeks before this because I was having a weird reaction to it as well. It was making go to sleep, but my body was getting up and I would come out of my room and talk to Anna and say all kinds of crazy stuff and then have no memory of it. She said today that I was having an allergic reaction to something in the sleeping pills, so she took me off of the lunesta and told me to wear a clove of garllic and a rosary if I came near it again. She said there were other sleep medicines I could take, but that she didn’t  want to experiment with them since I had such a bad reaction to both the ambien and the lunesta.

I have to go to the police office and take them the paperwork from both the hospital and my psychiatrist to clear my record. Also, I am filing a complaint because although I had the symptoms of a head trauma, the officers that were there the night all of this happened said that I “had no apparent injuries”.  I don’t want to sue them or anything, but I’d like to complain about the dick cop. Anna is going down to complain too.

On another sour note, I’m going to have to withdraw from this semester of college because of the issues both with Anna, and with my grandparents. I don’t want to be in another position where something happens to one of them and I can’t make it down to see them. My grades are suffering and I’m missing class left and right whereas I normally attend class EVERY day and have a 3.8 gpa. Bah. I had thought I would get ahead because I took 12 hours over the summer. So I’m not going to be ahead, but the good news is that I’m not going to be behind either.  

Sooooo, I’ve had my drama fill for the rest of my life. Things can only go up from here. And besides, I probably need a break from school anyhow, right? It’ll give me time to find myself and heal after all that has gone on. I will be able to spend more time with my grandparents and the rest of my family, and I will be ready for school in the spring. I’m not going to get messed up over this because right now I know it is for the best. I’ll just have to work harder next semester and next summer and the next fall and the spring after that and the summer after that and the fall after that… but I am going to graduate with two majors and two minors in only 4 years. 

Eh, for now, I’m off to clean my room. After Anna and I fought Saturday night, it’s a bit of a mess.  

Sooooo...It's been a while...

Well, my freshman year of college is about over.  I've taken two finals, and I have 4 more left.  

I've already moved out of the dorms and into my apartment (thank the godesses).  I moved in with Robert because we had decided during our senior of high school to live together.  He's turned in to a real ass this year.  We used to chill cause he was cool, and now I try to stay out of my apartment as much as possible because he's... well... an ass...

He's on this new kick where unless something relates to him, it isn't important.  He wrecked his car because he's totally in love with this girl who won't give him the time of day, he was on his way to her house, saw the house, forgot to pay attention to the traffic light that turned red right before he drove through it, and got t-boned by a truck.  Now, because he's a bad driver, he thinks it's my responsibility to take him where ever he needs to go, when ever he needs to go, nevermind what I'm doing.  He gets pissed because I refuse to take him places when I'm busy, or when I have friends over.  He also thinks I'm being extremely left-wing liberal because I'm pushing for gay rights.  He used to claim bisexuality, and now when anyone mentions gay marriage, he says "What is the point in gay marriage? How does it advance society?  Heterosexual marriage encourages pro-creation."  

Bah, enough of that though... Right as I opened this to update, he just came down the stairs bitching at me for not waking him up sooner.  He isn't the reason I was updating, he just made me think to bitch as I was about to update anyhow.

The real reason I was posting was ... uhm, do I never need a reason to?  

So I'm single now.  I broke up with Jennifer on day of silence.   She called me to tell me happy day of silence, and I told her I didn't love her.  I'm a great girlfriend, I know.  Cold. Hard. Bitch. ^_^ Not really, but I am a lot happier now.  I've only been single for 3 months out of the last 3 years, and I really needed the me time.  I'm messing with a girl here, but nothing serious.  I really don't plan to be in another relationship for a long time to come. 

Anyhow, I'm off to do more studying.  Finals = Fuck I Never Actually Learned this Shit.

Ya know, I just have to say that I fucking love the way this newspaper refers to a mtf as HE after SHE was killed for being transgender. I also love how they don't mention anything about the way that SHE died. Here is the link to the newspaper obituary that was in the local newspaper, the Murfreesboro Post.  http://www.murfreesboropost.com/news.php?viewStory=1815

And here is a link in relation to the same death. Note the way that the police keep referring to her as HE and calling her a "transvestite".   http://outandaboutnewspaper.com/article.php?id=1256   

I don't think that there are words right now that would express my anger, so I'm just going to leave it at this.

Did you know that you can overdose on caffeine? Apparently 800 mg of caffeine at one time is definitely NOT healthy.

Sorry, I know I promised a few of you an update on DU this weekend, but eh... I blame it on the caffeine. I did send the chapter to my beta, and she did send it back, but I've decided to add more to it as it was short and sucky. I promise I'll post soon. It might be next week when I go on break, b/c I'm so busy all of the time, but I /will/ update.

And now... I'm gonna go to sleep here in the PRIDE office until I have to go to band practice. Why sleep? Because I'm scared of caffeine now and it's all that's been keeping me going for the last few weeks. Goodnight!

But before I go, let me state the fact that I have gone since July without getting laid. I need sex. Actually, right now, I need sleep. But sex would be nice when I wake up. *wishes for the magical sex fairy to bless her dreams* lmao

Well... everyone else was doing it!

the Asserter Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT. "I must be strong" Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. How to Get Along with Me Stand up for yourself... and me. Be confident, strong, and direct. Don't gossip about me or betray my trust. Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side. Give me space to be alone. Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me. I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack. When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. What I Like About Being a Eight being independent and self-reliant being able to take charge and meet challenges head on being courageous, straightforward, and honest getting all the enjoyment I can out of life supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me upholding just causes What's Hard About Being a Eight overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to being restless and impatient with others' incompetence sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it never forgetting injuries or injustices putting too much pressure on myself getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right Eights as Children Often are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit are sometimes loners seize control so they won't be controlled fugure out others' weaknesses attack verbally or physically when provoked take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings Eights as Parents are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted are sometimes overprotective can be demanding, controlling, and rigid Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You liked the test? so please don't forget to RATE it... but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-) you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Google found about your type... or do you prefer to You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose AY Would you rather have chosen: BY (FOUR) CY (SIX) AX (SEVEN) AZ (THREE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 69% on ABC You scored higher than 35% on XYZ

Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

So I'm sitting here in my room. It's fucking Halloween night - my favorite holiday of the year - a holiday that its a sin to not celebrate. Why am I not doing anything? Because I told my girlfriend that I would spend time with her tonight. Where is she? Who fucking knows. She called earlier and said "Hey, I'm just letting you know that I won't be home until later, okay? Wait for me." I said okay, and we got off the phone. And... I'm sitting here... in my room... twiddling my thumbs... wishing that I had a giant mouse trap.

The internet is boring. Really, it is. I think I've seen just about everything on here there is to see... Yes, I am that much of a loser. *twiddles thumbs* M'kay, onto the next site to waste my time.