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Jan. 30th, 2009


Samarah Had Puppies

Hahahaha! Life has been great these last few weeks.

So... to earn an ACLS card, my paramedic class had to first make sure that everyone had a BLS card that wasn't about to expire. Also, Mark needed someone to help teach Josie's class because she couldn't make it to class that night due to family related issues. We were enlisted to help. Standing over a a lifeless mannequin doing chest compressions, Mark tells us to "do it like we mean it" and made some joke about how the mannequin's family was depending on us. I couldn't help but think to myself that I wouldn't want the mannequin to actually come to life - it'd be kinda freaky. But the more I thought about it, I was like, "fuck yeah, I want this bitch to start breathing!"  I mean, I'd be a fucking EMS God if I brought a mannequin to life! 

I passed my NREMT. I made a 95 on my first paramedic test, and an 87 on my first A&P test.

I hate A&P.

Josie said I should apply at Lifenet and use her as a reference. Being as they cover Texarkana, Arkansas and Texas, I'll have to get my license in Texas too, which shouldn't be too hard. But it'll be hard to get a job in Arkansas before I turn 21 because of the insurance costs.

I've lost another 10 lbs.

Oh, and, I'm not sure I hate Amber. That sure didn't take long.

Jan. 18th, 2009


Karma and Dreams

So, I was sitting around kind of bummed out because I had no way to pay for my books for my classes, which meant I wasn't going to be able to start the paramedic program; and I didn't even have the money to buy a practice book for my NREMT test. At the very last minute, and I do mean VERY last, things just kind of fell into place.

I'm not sure if this next bit is an up or not - I don't honestly have feelings one way or the other about it, but Amber called me crying and said that she and Loni had broken up. Amber moved back to California. Now, as for why I even answered the phone - I was asleep and it rang - I didn't look at the number before I answered. I realized it was her about 5 seconds into the conversation and by then had already had the time to realize she was crying. What was I supposed to do? Hang up? I couldn't. So I talked to her until she calmed down. Her parents drove up to get her and they all went back home to California the next day. I don't have feelings in either direction about this one, but it was a little bit of an expected turn of events.

Amanda and I don't talk anymore. I told her I wasn't interested.

Paramedic school is pretty awesome. It alone keeps me pretty busy, but on top of it I'm also taking some other classes. I personally think I perform better under pressure, so I think that this semester will do me good. I love always being busy and having something to do. I can't wait until we start clinicals.

On a completely different note, I keep having really weird dreams. None of them are ever the same, but one struck me as strange enough to remember. I was dating a guy. I met him, I liked him a lot, and we started dating. I don't remember much as far as details go, but I do remember specifically that not once did I have sex with, kiss, or even touch this guy in an affectionate way and yet, we ended up getting engaged. I woke up and was extremely happy. Hmm. Who knows?

As for that paramedic... it's kind of strange to see her now. I'll write more about that as it develops though. Or undevelops, as the case should be. It just really wouldn't be a smart move to get involved with her. We've already decided that we shouldn't, but things just keep happening. Guess I'll have to see what the future holds.

All in all, karma has been treating me very well. I decided a while ago though that no matter what happened, I'd be happy and keep a smile on my face. It really does make life easier.

Jan. 5th, 2009

Offend With Intent

Being Queer in the Bible Belt

Living in rural Arkansas, it's easy to feel isolated from the rest of the Queer Community. We have our own small little community, our network of progressives working toward a common goal: to raise awareness and acceptance (or at least tolerance in some cases) of Queer presence in Arkansas, and to eventually be treated equally in the eyes of the law. Right now we're still working on the raising awareness bit. Most of the Queers here in Arkansas are closeted for fear of their lives. I myself am out and openly gay.

I decided before I ever moved to Fayetteville, that after I came out, I would be out forever, no matter where I was, or who I was around. Fayetteville was like a liberal safehaven surrounded by conservative-ruled southern territory. Though it was still behind times, it was safe. Not only was I out, but as president of the PRIDE organization, I was leading a small faction of the Queer Community to push for our rights as American citizens. That was northwest Arkansas. I'm back in southwest Arkansas now - and for just 350 miles, it's almost like I'm in a different world entirely. When I decided to make the move back home, I knew that I would be moving back to an area that's at least 15 years behind the rest of the country as far acceptance of anything that defies the dominance of the white male is concerned. I was not out the last time I lived here.

Interracial relationships (especially those with between a black man and a white woman) are frowned on even in the northern, more progressive part of the state, but here, it's a crime punishable by having a cross burned in your yard and being treated as though you have a larger than life, scarlet, letter A on your chest. Being openly Queer isn't heard of. My sociology teacher said that as a black man in the 1960s who was pushing for progress, he felt (and still feels sometimes) that he was always on stage and had to make sure that he appealed to his conservative white audience. I feel much the same way. Only, he couldn't turn off the color of his skin. People don't automatically assume I'm Queer, and I have to say, with disappointment in myself, that a few times throughout this last 6 months that I've lived down here, I haven't corrected the assumption that I'm straight.

I get downhearted some times when I look around and see that these people harbor hatred for people who were born with a different skin color from their own - how can I expect to make progress with them when they still think that homosexuality is a choice? I'm not sure what the answer to that one is, but I'm sure that it isn't by being closeted. I guess the reason that I didn't correct the assumption that I was straight was because it felt good to be off stage. If they assume I'm straight, then they aren't looking at me to see what a Queer is. But as a progressive, I know that people will only accept things they can understand and will only understand the things that they can see; and that, like it or not, I'm in a position where I can change their perception of Queers and feel a duty to do so.

Jan. 3rd, 2009


A New Year

I'd like to start out my year on Live Journal by saying that I'm pretty sure I hate Amber. Which is exactly the opposite of where my feelings for her were at this time last year. You see, she'd been texting me a lot the last few months. We started talking again like we were normal people who were friends. Then started her "I love you so much" stuff again. Me? I knew not to believe her. I was currently having a thing with a paramedic (who happened to look ((and act)) insanely like Amber - I'll post a picture of her later). The paramedic and I knew things couldn't go anywhere because she was a bit older, a bit more married, and had a kid. So when this other girl, Amanda, who I had a sociology class with told me she liked me, I decided to see where things might lead with her although I wasn't that attracted to her. I let Amber tell me all of the "I love you" stuff and didn't believe her. So I saved all of the text messages on my phone. One time, she started with the "you're the love of my life" bit and I asked her about her myspace, which says that Loni is the love of her life. She responded with

"My myspace is to make her happy. Thats why it says that. You were always the love of my life and through everything i always thought i would end up with you. I love you ashley. You know that and i will still always be there for you even when you don't want me to be. I still love you with all that i have. I still have always thought that i would end up with you. I don't know. I just want you to be happy with whatever you do."

That was in a series of four texts. There are more, but these convey the point I'm trying to make. (There were also other messages that I did not save.) She did the same thing when she was with Dani. She did the same thing when she was with Catherine(sp?). She did the same thing when she was with Dylan.  The list goes on. She does the same thing no matter who she is with. So I knew not to believe her and I didn't. Not this time. But I saved the messages because I knew she would end up either A) telling her girl that I was the one texting her the "I love yous",   B) act like she never told me any of it and I'm insane,   or  C) proving everything she said to be a lie.  History never fails and people never change. She did it again. Only this time, I was prepared. She told me that she was thinking about going home. We argued about whether she should or not. I, of course, think she should go back home to her parents where she can get back in school and not have to worry about working seven days a week to pay someone else's rent. She was worried because although she knows her girl is cheating on her, she doesn't want to just end things and move home. She says she fights with Loni all the time and that she is miserable. Then without warning, she started being really cold and bitchy. She whips out this "I love Loni and I just don't want to end it" stuff. And then she tells me that Loni is reading the texts.

Which made me smile. 

Amber continued on, telling me "I don't want to give up on this relationship. I love her".  

Which made me smile again.

I responded "Why are you making yourself miserable to be with a girl who isn't faithful to you and who you just got through saying you couldn't see yourself ending up with? And you aren't completely faithful yourself."

"I love her. I don't lie to her and I've never cheated on her."

I smiled again. Then sent back every text that I had saved in my phone, followed by "Then stay out of my life. I'm tired of you. I'm tired of your lies."  Of all the things I could have said, of all the things I wanted to say, of all the anger I've had pent up over the last few years, that is all I could manage to say to her. I really feel nothing for her. I want to. I want to be hurt. Not because I want to be hurt, but because I want to be able to feel something for the person I once thought was the love of my life. I'm really just amused.

You know, she's right. She probably doesn't lie to Loni. Just to me. Just to someone she thinks will listen. But cheating is as much mental/emotional as it is physical. What she did was cheating. In a way, I'm glad I feel nothing for her. I can't really say I'd want to feel something for a person who could play two people like that. (Or think she was playing, cause I wasn't part of the game - not this time). 

I have more to say, but I gotta take the girls home!

Writer's Block: What You'd Accomplish if Success Was Guaranteed

Knowing beforehand that you wouldn't fail, what would you attempt to do?
The thought of knowing I can't fail at something is almost as scary as knowing I can't succeed. Failure drives me.

Sep. 10th, 2008


Discovering Us Update

I'll be updating DU Friday.

Sep. 6th, 2008


(no subject)

I got new glasses today. My mom doesn't like them. She says I look dorky...

So anyhow, I'm sittin at the hospital with my grandma keeping her company. It's been an okay day.

Amber texted earlier to say her apartment burned down. I kind of feel bad, but at the same time, I feel no more for her than I would for any random stranger. Hope things work out for her. I wish I could feel more, but I don't. And maybe I would if she weren't such a sleeze.


Sep. 1st, 2008



I made it through the first two weeks of classes. I only go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that I can get a job the other 5 days of the week. Art Appreciation is boring. Sociology is cool, but my teacher is a ... I don't know how to explain. He makes a lot of anti-gay comments and it makes me really really angry. EMT-B is a lot of fun. I start my ambulance rounds next week. Yay! I'm pretty excited about it. Other than that, nothing has been going on.

Oh yeah, it's after midnight, so that means it's my birthday. I didn't even think about that until just now.

We got pretty drunk Friday night. (Me, Michelle, Courtney, Jennifer, Robert, Kim, Jeff) It was a lot of fun. Michelle is a freak. LMAO.

Off to bed...

Aug. 19th, 2008


I have a big problem with someone

She's the only person in the world who can make me feel like a complete loser, and she does so on a regular basis. I'm the only person in the world she treats this way. She's hateful, she's rude, she's highly critical, she never gives me a break, she's an all around jerk, and worst of all – she's me.

Aug. 15th, 2008

Offend With Intent

I'm Bad at This Part

So I was wondering what ever had happened to Baby Grace, the unidentified toddler who was washed up on a beach in a plastic bin in Galveston, TX. I lost track of it after my last post about her. I looked it up and sure enough, the guy who thought that the body was his daughter was right, unfortunately. Apparently, the girl's mom and her boyfriend beat the shit out of the kid until she died and then went to Walmart.  

"In the affidavit, Trenor describes how she and Zeigler beat the toddler with two leather belts and held her head under water in a bathtub on the morning of July 24. Trenor also said in the affivadit that Zeigler picked the child up by her hair and threw her across the room causing her head to slam against a tile floor."  That's sickening. There was another article describing the beating in more detail, but I forgot what page it was on. How sad that people would do that. I mean... the kids dad wanted custody, her family in Ohio wanted her back, and not to mention that there are a million people out there that want to adopt kids... these people wanted to hurt the kid. I don't understand that.

Madeline McCann still hasn't been found.

Why do cases like these gain international media coverage? Anyhow, on to one of my favorite topics: The absurdities of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

Two weeks ago - Saturday, August 2nd - there was a fire at the property of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas (Phelps' house). Fred Phelps, being a disbarred lawyer, was quick to write to the proper authorities to demand that the case be investigated as a hate crime. To be honest, it probably was arson and  probably a hate crime. A lot of people believe that the WBC started the fire themselves. I think that we should ALL look at it in the same way that Phelps himself would look at it - if it had happened at the property of a FAG church    :o)      And I think we all know by now that he would say it was a message from God that the church and the people who attended services there were evil. God was punishing Fred Phelps. LMAO. I really shouldn't laugh, but it's just too absurd that he doesn't turn his own way of thinking around on himself. Also, something that makes it even funnier is that the followers of the church PICKETED THE FIREFIGHTERS AS THEY WORKED TO CONTROL THE FIRE. Oh, now that's rich. 

So uh, Phelps put out a video, "Thank God for the WBC Fire"  - just a short video of himself delivering another absurd message full of hate and bitterness. http://www.signmovies.net/videos/news/2008/20080802thankgodforwbcfire.html   <<  there's a link. As always, he has been in and out of Arkansas over the summer. I've never met Phelps himself, but several times, I've been at places where members of the WBC have picketed. These people are off their rockers. 

Oh yeah, I did update DU. A very long chapter, longer than my usual, but not ending with a cliff hanger this time. Don't worry though, the next one will - those are my favorites. I haven't started on the next chapter yet, but I'm on a roll writing, so I don't think it will take long. I want to have this fic finished pretty soon. 

I got my things moved from Fayetteville to down here. I also did Anna a favor and moved her stuff for her. She contacted me and said she wouldn't be able to get down here to get it bc there was so much going on with Kaylee. Apparently her seizures have become a common thing and the doctors can't figure out why. So she paid for half the gas money and the storage place and I moved her shit out of the house and into the storage building. 

The trip to Faytown was long and tiring, but despite being tired I've been in a good mood.

And I have to say, I've been REALLY happy the last few days. I was starting to think that I'd be bored down here. But I found this great thing, and before I go into detail, let me put out here that Amber and I are not together physically and that she currently has a girl, so we don't label ourselves as together either. Our togetherness is something of another kind. She is free to be with who she wants to be with and I am free to be with who I want to be with. And until the distance closes between us, we plan on keeping it that way. So anyhow, the great thing.

I've always been a bit of a masochist. When I was a little kid and just discovering sex and sexual curiousity and becoming aware of the differences between males and females - you know, that stage where it's an innocent thing, touching certain parts of your body feels good and no one has told you it's wrong - the age when kids play doctor and what not - I had a bit of a time with it. The other little girls wanted to kiss boys; I wanted to kiss Xena the Warrior Princess. The other girls would dress up to impress the boys; I dressed like a boy. So I knew there was something different about me, but I didn't understand how different. The other little girls had their fantasies about their knight in shining armor coming to their rescue and then riding off into the sunset with them; I uhm... I... I wanted Xena to tie me up and keep me in her dungeon. Weird, I know, but that's honestly how early my masochism started.

Well, when I got older, I was head strong and the idea of giving someone else control was definitely not my thing. But since I was about 16 or so, my masochistic tendencies have bubbled to the surface and have reached a point now where they can't be ignored. The girls that I've been with so far have been very... how to say... vanilla in bed, almost. But through a friend, I met some people who are very into the BDSM lifestyle. And I've met this girl, I'll call her J, who is the perfect sadist compliment to my masochistic side. I won't go into details, but things are definitely not going to be boring.

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